After I began rising from the black hole I’d fallen into, I was able to finally breathe. It was like the first time in more than a year that I was able to come up for air. I started to feel human again, and I was able to begin creating space for my healing. Up until then, I had been really hard on myself – immense negative self-talk, continuously beating myself up on a daily basis. Just all-around a lot of self-hate. It was hard, it was heartbreaking, and I didn’t know if I’d ever recover.
You often here people say time heals all wounds. And after going through what I’ve gone through, I have found that, for me, this statement is wholly untrue. I kept waiting for time to pass, thinking that things would get easier with each day. But I instead sunk further with each day that passed until I hit rock bottom. And the only good news about that, is that you can’t go any further than rock bottom. You can only go up from there.
What I had to learn was that the only way out was through. I wrote ALL the time hoping that just getting it all out of me and off my chest would be enough. I thought if I owned my story, it would be enough to feel better. But, that simply wasn’t true. What I eventually found was that I was going to have to make a conscious effort to learn how to heal myself. I found that I had to commit to the work of healing. Healing doesn’t just happen on its own. There is no magic to any of this. It takes self-awareness, effort, hard truths, intrinsic motivation, and repeated heartbreak. You have to live through it, dissect it, figure it out, and then DO THE WORK. Only then will you find healing. If you don’t do the work, you’re simply ignoring and burying. You have to face it all head-on. It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the only way. You have to feel it to heal it. There is no way around it.
If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.
It helped me tremendously to have a positive person in my life – the one I called my bright spot. He brought me from darkness to light, even if totally unbeknownst to him. Without God’s divine intervention, I may still be at rock bottom, or worse. I an entirely thankful and grateful for being saved, for being brought out of a dark space and into the light. I so needed it. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul – all of me needed it.
It didn’t take long for me to begin seeing the good in myself again. I began to remember my kindness as my strength. I found that I was and am worthy of being loved. That I had and HAVE amazing qualities that anyone would love and appreciate. I began to truly feel again like I deserved the love I so freely gave to others. I learned that I deserve to receive everything good I put out into the world. Sure, I learned a few new lessons too, but still, each one lead back to teaching me how to love and respect myself. This was the true beginning of my journey to self-love. Have I since fallen and faltered? You bet! But I recover a lot quicker now. I am so much stronger now. And it’s up to me to determine what I will and will not accept and tolerate in life. Energy and vibes are real – make sure you’re choosing peace and light.
There is a message in the way a person treats you. Just listen.
Healing takes isolation and a lot of work. And for the most part, I isolated myself for more than a year following my divorce. It’s the time in which I learned SO MUCH. And yet, there also came the time when I just still felt so stuck. Not in my healing, but in life. I felt like I needed a change. And again, as God would have it, my apartment was pulled right out from under me, and it was at that time that I made the decision to quit my job and return to my hometown in Michigan. This happened just over a year ago now. I moved “home” on December 23rd last year. It was hard – and well, it could also just be a post all its own.
But in the almost year since moving from Maryland to Michigan, I’ve continued to learn, heal, and grow. And I pray I always do. Because if you’re not growing, you’re stuck. And I don’t want that. This whole year – 2018 – has just been another year of self-discovery, of continuously becoming self-aware, of repeatedly learning what it means to love myself – flaws and imperfections included. And while it’s not always easy, it is necessary.
I’ve always been immensely comfortable in my alone time. I absolutely do not mind isolating myself in order to become a better version of myself. In my alone time, I find peace, comfort, and happiness. It’s where and how I learn about myself and what the next right step is for me in my life. For now, I’m here, in Michigan. Is it forever? Probably not. I’m open to whatever God and the Universe have in store for me. My path is wide open right now. And I am extremely excited to see where I am lead to next.
When nothing is certain, anything is possible.
I can say with confidence today that I am in a MUCH better place. I love myself, I see my good. I know every good quality of mine. I know I am worthy of love and that I am worth loving. I know I deserve the love I give to others. I know that I deserve respect from others, and most of all, from myself. When you love and respect yourself, everything in life becomes a whole lot easier. You tolerate less and you demand more. You don’t know what you don’t know until you know. So heal, learn, grow, and become the best version of yourself.
Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, DO BETTER. – Maya Angelou
Since probably 2015, I’ve been saying this is going to be my year. Then everything happened and my world fell apart, but I still maintained that good was on its way. I’m coming up on four years of saying this now, year after year. So, I’m going to say it again – that 2019 is going to be MY YEAR. But this time, I actually BELIEVE it. And I know I’m in the best place possible to manifest and create the life I desire. I refuse to stay stuck forever, so now it’s time to do a different kind of work. It’s time to do the work that allows me to live my best life. I did the work to heal, now it’s time to do the work to LIVE. So, here’s to an amazing journey into the unknown where life and love await me. I am ready now! And I know God not only hears me, he knows I’m finally ready now too.
It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire. – Colette Werden
Thank you a million for reading my story and sharing this journey with me. I hope you’re doing the work to heal and that you’re also ready to live your best life.
I got this.
You got this.
We got this.