The women with the highest walls have the deepest love.
I’ll be the first to tell you that I am guarded, so best of luck getting through my walls. Somewhere deep inside, this quote, this idea, feels like it’s something to be proud of. I guess I see it like this – my walls are a form of protection, and the ones willing to stay, break down my walls, and work through it with me, have kind of proven to me that they are worthy of being let in. When I think about my walls and finding my person one day, I always think of the song This Is What It Takes by Shawn Mendes. I think he understands. 😉
Have those same people I deemed worthy of letting in also still hurt me? You bet. And in some of the most emotionally excruciating ways. So, what happens? My walls go up even higher this time, which brings me to this…
Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.
This is a completely true statement and it resonates with me entirely. I am super aware that my walls keep everybody out. And yet, my walls stay firmly intact. I have been working on this for over 2 years now. Being vulnerable is extremely difficult for me, but I promised myself I’d keep trying. So far, it’s continuously resulted in hurt, and it’s also been really beautiful and beneficial.
The times I’ve allowed myself to be open with my friends or my sisters, I’ve realized that I do have people around me that support me, love me, and are excited for me. And honestly, that was kind of a revelation to me, but only because I’ve never really let any of them in completely. I recognize though that I’m still always waiting for the ball to drop. Like, now that I’ve let someone in, how long before they hurt me or break my trust? And honestly, that’s so unfair of me. I’m not only hurting those I love, I’m hurting myself too.
I’m trying really hard to learn how to be open, to let people in, to let people be a part of my life. If I had a better understanding of why it’s so hard for me, I’d sure tell you, but I don’t know. I can assume past hurts are the reason, but at what point do I learn to stop punishing myself and everyone else who is just trying to be a part of my life?
There isn’t a single person in my life that I haven’t cut out of my life for some period of time, which is really sad. For some, maybe it was brief – I stopped calling weekly, I haven’t texted in a while, or I didn’t respond to a text. Maybe it was months for others. And for some of my closest friends and even my sister, it was for years and years of our lives. Those aren’t years you get back, as time is finite. The good news is that you can make the choice TODAY to work on improving the relationship. I know not all hope is lost because those very people I cut out of my life for extended periods of time are some of those I am closest to today.
We all have stuff to work through, and it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Obviously, I still struggle tremendously, but I know I’ve come a LONG way. And I know I try every day to be a little better than I was yesterday. And that feels like enough each day, like an improvement I can be proud of. No one changes overnight, but we are all capable of changing. It takes being aware of what holds us back, so that we can work through it and move forward.
So yes, walls keep everybody out. But then there are boundaries, which are SO much healthier. It’s like setting standards for what you will and won’t accept. And you can trust that when you impose boundaries, some will respect them, and others simply will not.
Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have found the edge where their respect for you ends.
Those who become upset are likely to find their way out of your life soon, but remember, it’s their choice. You are never wrong for setting boundaries, so don’t think you have to bend or change because someone lets you know they aren’t on board with them. After all, THAT’S the point. If someone can’t respect your boundaries, then chances are they aren’t very worthy of being a part of your life.
Boundaries are healthy, even if they are uncomfortable to set at first. It’s kind of a practice, like anything in life. Keep trying and eventually it just becomes a habit, like second nature.
So, if you’re struggling with having super high, made of steel walls…maybe start by asking yourself why they’re so high in the first place. Then see what you can do to maybe lower them a bit. Do keep in mind that not everyone is worthy of being let in. Listen to your intuition, trust your instincts. Might you still get hurt? Yep, absolutely. But then ask yourself, what can I learn from this? Keep trying. There are good people in the world – you deserve to know them, they deserve to know you.
If you’re uncomfortable setting boundaries, if doing so makes you feel uneasy or “mean” – I urge you to keep trying. You’ll learn a lot about yourself, as well as those around you. Trust that you are not mean for standing up for yourself and expressing what you expect and deserve in life. Those who are worthy will find their way in and stay, and those who are not, will find their way out. Again, trust yourself.
I’m all about understanding the reason, the purpose, and the lesson for everything that’s happened in my life. Then after that, I try my best to let the rest go. Easy? Not at all. Possible? Yes.
And lastly, just a side note. I realize I tend to unpack quite a bit in my posts without always giving the full story. Perhaps I will one day for some of things I’ve discussed, but for others, I know with great certainty that I will not. Not because I don’t think it’d be helpful to you or others, but because I still have respect for those who have impacted my life, no matter how much they may have hurt me. I am all about kindness and respect, so I try my best to lead by example. Thank you for understanding.